How do, peeps. First and foremost I must apologise for my lack of input on to the site of late. I am fully aware that absolutely no-one has missed me but i'm back to spread my words of wisdom none the less.

It seems blagging the boss into letting me have a laptop at my machines as I work for "programming purposes" has given me a wide open freedom to blog....and play solitaire and shit.

  Anyway, this post is not intended as a fanfare of return, I have for you, infact, a warning!  

I have discovered the twighlight zone.....and it comes in the form of a mobile phone company!

I will start from the top.

  Around 5 years ago, I signed up to the mobile phone provider, 3. I don't remember why now but their must have been an attractive offer at the time.Although, initially, the signal was terrible, I was pretty happy with what I had and when it came to renew my contract they offered me half price for the first 6 months or some shit so I renewed straight away.Every time it came to renew, they would supply me with a brand new "top of the range" handset and a further cut in costs on my monthly bill....good times!This year, however, has not been so good.I signed up to another 12 months last December (with the usual price cut) and received my brand new NOKIA 6500 slide handset through the post.Within 6 weeks the vibrator had stopped working on the handset (yeah, go on laugh and make comments about me putting the phone up my bum and over-using the vibrate function, fools!). The truth is I work in a very noisy atmosphere and, without the vibrate alert I would have no idea when the phone was ringing or receiving a message. Which rendered the phone useless in working hours.

I called the customer services and was met with an Indian woman speaking the worst English ever!!

Note : I don't mean to be racist in anyway when I complain about the way I can't understand the Indians/Pakistanis whatever in the call centre but, if I’m an English customer, I expect to be able to speak to someone fluent in my own language.   After about half an hour of trying to understand each other, it was arranged that my handset would be picked up by courier from my home address the next day. Admittedly, that it was. The courier was prompt and my handset was returned after just 3 days with a note saying it had now passed all inspection tests at the 3 centre. Happy days.But, when I reset all the settings to my personal preferences, the vibrate alert STILL didn't work.Back on the phone to another Asian robot and my phone went away AGAIN and, I’m glad to say it was returned in working order.Months passed and the use of the phone was normal until, in August, my earpiece stopped working which meant I was forced to take all calls on loudspeaker.

You guessed it, I was back in touch with "bi-linguals -r-us" who told me this time to "keep your memory card and charger but please send us your handset and battery".

  This I did, the courier came and took away my handset and battery and, three days later, my handset returned...with no battery.

Making this phone call was a little easier as I now knew the number off by heart...the content of the call was painful.

  "We have no recollection of receiving your battery, sir""So what do I do now, I can't use the phone without a battery and therefore can't use your service"

"Well what you must do, sir, is buy a new battery for your phone. If you wish not to do this and not to use our service then you will still be charged your set monthly rate as agreed in our contract."

Needless to say, I had a few choice words for Ramadam@3.

  So, begrudgingly, I went on the internetz and found a NOKIA battery to suit....at £26.50!

I also found an alternative at cheaponastybatteries.co.uk...at £3.25. Which I purchased!

  Phone service back in possession I have now had no problems since August, but the problems I have faced are not forgotten.

Last week I received a call from 3 asking how I found their services. The very fact that I had just sat down to my evening meal only fuelled the rage that I had built up over 11 months. So I let it all out like a well needed "first-thing-in-the-morning-after-a-night-on-the-lash" piss! And it felt good!

However, following my outburst, he then apologised and, in the same sentence, went on to tell me what deals they could offer me for the next 18 months.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SANJEEV, I’ve just told you that I think your service is crap and you're trying to sell me another 18 months? You can whistle for your commission, boy! I'm not interested!"

The reply in a very sullen tone : "You mean, you don't want to renew your contract?"

"No, thank you, I’ve got some other offers to consider so I don't think I will be renewing my contract"

The following statement made me realise that a 3 contract is, indeed, the twighlight zone...

"But Sir, no-one ever leaves 3 !?!?"

Honestly....they were his exact words. My reply - "Well I just have.....so goodnight!"

As I put the phone down, I could hear him start to sell me something more...maybe something better?...maybe something free?...I didn't care! The phone went down.

  Knowing damn well he would call straight back, I waited about 20 seconds then picked the phone back up in order to make it 'engaged'. But instead of the monotonous constant tone, there was silence...until suddenly "Sir?....". He was still fucking there! So I hung up again and waited about 30 seconds more, picked up the phone...."Hello?, Sir?"

He was not giving up so I went and had my cold meal.

  About half hour later, the phone rang. "I'm not in if it's for me" I told the wife.Indeed, it was Sanjeev wanting to talk to me.I heard the wife say "No, he's gone out but he told me to tell you, if it's from 3 that he is not interested in renewing his contract. Goodbye"

Good girl!

I've not heard anything since so, hopefully that will be the end of it and this time in a month I’ll be on a different network.

But, a warning to you all. Unless you've already been sucked in, DON'T JOIN 3, BECAUSE NOBODY EVER LEAVES 3!!

Dickheads!

It's good to be back, peeps.

H.

  P.S - If their phone signal is meant to be so reliable, why do they call from Bangladesh on your landline? There’s a teaser....