Well hello there peeps,

Check this shit, i've been pulling a few practical funnies at home recently, but last week I took advantage of a once in a lifetime situation which almost got me a divorce. Seriously, what would have been the point if i couldn't tell people about it?

I set the scene: Me, my wife and 2 young boys are at knowsley safari park. We've done all the monkeys on the car shit and we're walking around the petting zoo.

Alreet peeps,

This is not a story, more a warning of the biggest case of false advertising I have come across in recent times.

For those of you that don't know, Mrs Horse is pregnant again. 6 months pregnant to be exact, so it's a bit obvious to anyone who looks at her.

Good day to you all,

Just a very quick thought, but a good though none the less, me thinks.

Considering Martin Luther King and John Lennon, two of the biggest most famous peace-seekers ever, both got murdered in cold blood, I might print off some membership forms for NATO and send them to Kery Katona and Jade Goody.

Might be a good way of wiping them off the planet.

That's it,

H.

Alreet?

 I was flicking through 220 channels of shite on the T.V the other night and there were fuck all on so I put it on to a random music channel hoping for a bit of ambient background noise. Unfortunately there was a Girls Aloud (or girls a-shite as I call them) show on and they were interviewing the 5 members, fresh from Battersea.

I was shocked to discover that they all have completely different accents. Upon further research (wikipedia) I found out that they are from Newcastle, Bradford, Ireland, Linconshire and Liverpool.

How do, peeps. First and foremost I must apologise for my lack of input on to the site of late. I am fully aware that absolutely no-one has missed me but i'm back to spread my words of wisdom none the less.

Get this shit, my son who's nearly 2, is very much into Thomas the Tank Engine at the moment, which I'm cool with because I used to think it was pretty shit-hot when I was a lad. I can remember all the characters names and everything [smirks].

MAN, I fucking hate telesales.

Why is it that they always call just as your sitting down to a meal or about to watch holyoa.....top gear, or something masculine on T.V?
Being a homeowner seems to open you up to the evils of loans, double glazing, new kitchens, pissing cat-flaps, etc.
However, I have started getting wise to these guys!

-Firstly, I must point out that if any of our readers or bloggers work in telesales then it's nothing personal but you can keep your bastard new mobile phone to yourselves.

Hello peeps,

For those of you who may not have come across my work on delmorpha.com before, I am to Delmorpha himself what Robin was to Batman or what Penfold was to Dangermouse...sort of like a weaker sidekick, but not as camp! (I'm sure Robin and Bruce Wayne were knobbing each other...meh, that argument can wait til later).

I, like you all, am easily angered. To make it better, i find myself in stupid, frustrating situations day in, day out. Thus making me a perfect member of ohFFS. I suffer, I yell, I share.