It seems every other news source, blog and even my pet rock has an opinion of the events of a highly advanced particle physics experiment that probably only 0.001% percentage of the population could ever hope to understand, so I figured it was only fair that we get in on the action and discuss the events in Geneva and the Super Mega Large Hardon Collider...

Firstly, I wondered why the planet would spend billions of pounds on trying to recreate the Big Bang by knocking together the penises of two not so gay Physicists, and then I realised I was actually beating a rather tame joke so I stopped right there. Should the experiment go as planned and we not all get sucked into a Black Hole, my money is on there being a porno loosely based on cock collisions called The Large Hardon Collider : When Cocks Collide before the end of the year..

With that aside, the events of the LHC are the things every great SciFi movie and video game are made of. Now would be the perfect opportunity for the Birth of a "Based on Real Events" game. Here's how I see them unfolding...

The "Doom"

Moments after the first collision occurs, Dark Matter grows and engulfs the surrounding towns beneath the 27km circuit and its effects turn the residents into Zombies, Barons of Hell and Cacodemons. In a cruel twist of fate, the cocky Stephen Hawking is transmogrified into a final boss as the Dark Matter takes control of him and his wheelchair, they are morphed into a talking Spiderdemon, arbeit a wheeled version. Just to kick him in the wheelchair box, the Dark Matter has given him an actual voice, that of actress Maggie Wheeler (who played Janice in Friends), showing even Hell has a funny side...

After a battle to save the planet only a brave few have survived and in an ironic twist, Osama Bin Laden gives his own life to defeat the Evil HawkingDemon to save humanity. Everyone forgives him for being a massive cunt and the World is safe from Hell (and Muslims) for another day.

The "Final Fantasy"

CERN do indeed complete successful runs for the LHC and it does indeed find this Illusive God Particle but due to the "all religions being bollocks" repercussions this would have, the World Media suppress the release of their research and the project fades into the ether. This drives the Head of CERN into a spiral of despair and insanity and he orders the LHC be converted into a machine capable of birthing Evil yet Cute monsters after choking down one to many bad JRPGs for ideas of how to destroy the World.

Not content with this level of nastiness, he orders the immediate recruiting of a CERN Army, only allowing prepubescent boys with big eyes and stupid hair into the gang. Experiments on the Soldiers ensues and our Hero is born, little known to him thanks to his memory being erased. The army is used to create a totalitarian regime for the planet and the Evil yet Cute monsters are released... yet for some reason they only attack our Hero.

After a shitload of grinding, an emotion storyline and a few tearjerking deaths along the way, our hero eventually saves the planet from the Evil CERN and a meteor that is called by some transvestite with grey hair. Everyone gets down and parties...

The "World of Warcraft"

The LHC does its business and everyone ignores it as it hasn't actually done anything for the planet or effect their current "game". However this allows CERN to further its research into Advanced Human Behaviour and Patterning and allows them to build up a Model of Conformity that we should all react to and live within. As they can predict your every move, they can control your wants, needs and make sure you are always Comfortably Numb. This allows them to slowly but surely take over the World and control every element of our lives.

The Man doesn't use its powers for evil, it simply continues to churn out things to do to allow you to gain skills to use in The Real World. In turn we use these skills to our own gain, to make, buy and sell new things, or simply continue your Missions and social interactions whilst ultimately paying The Man for the pleasure of your life..

Sometimes people try and cheat the system and get bored with the Grind Sandwich Life now offers so they try and employ people to do the hard work for them, or even try and build machines to get the shitty jobs done faster but CERN doesn't like this and this practise is now punishable by Death.

Life becomes a solus struggle with the only assistance from others allowed being the preordained tasks set by The Man. For some reason we all become so addicted to Life that no one can see this and continue to pay The Man for these services...

Whatever the outcome of the LHC, here's hoping for some awesome outcomes that we can all benefit from in our life times. For all the humanitarian benefits we may gain, I'm still hoping it can lead to interactive, mind experience video gaming, Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 and a wipe clean crotch plate...

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