Case 1

Name: Kieron Saunders
Why they're a retard: Burnt himself using a sunbed for 21 minutes in one day
What the Bovine Masses want: Banning of coin operated tanning salons
What really should happen : He should be forced to stay in a sunbed for a whole day and the readers of The Sun should shut the fuck up
Hopes for the future : He gets face cancer and becomes the next Elephant Man, then has to join the circus and wear his Tumor of Shame as a permanent reminder that he's a fucking douchebag